Sending out a greeting to all you great moms, present, past, struggling, blessed with healing in your homes and hearts, or waiting for it.
Today I was browsing through the racks of Mother's Day cards at the store, with other last-minute shoppers. They just didn't cover what I was looking for. There was ONE single card noted as "also appropriate for stepfamily". Nothing for adoption nor bereavement, nor any other circumstance of alternative, blended nor compounded family. This whole adoption experience has turned a simple Hallmark holiday into a sea of emotional undercurrents! I know I'm not alone in this, but standing at the card rack, it sure felt like it. (Was that me snorting aloud as I read that last flowery sentiment? And dear gods and little fishes, does this one actually think joking about "being adopted" is funny?)
I snatched up "Happy Mother's Day from the Dog", and "From the Cat" cards, both of which I'll sign with love, address to myself, and leave out in the morning as a preemptive move. In case no one here is yet strong enough to say Thanks for the parenting, or call me their Mom. But they will know I know they sometimes secretly think of me as a mother! And are secretly glad I love them to bits. Haha.
Why do all the cards brim with happiness? Isn't there a Sympathy section for Mother's Day somewhere, for those who have suffered loss of a mother, loss of a child, or the effects of their child's loss of a mother? I can't find a card to give my child, to say what I can't voice, something like, "I'm sorry your first mother isn't here for you, I wish you had the mothering you deserved as a little one, I'm sorry you had to learn and lose so many other moms along the way". Or, simply, "I know it's not a happy day for you, and I love you very much, and am proud to be your mom and that isn't intended as disrespect in any way to any previous mother who may be on your mind"
Had trouble finding one to give to relatives who are mothers by biology, and whose advice, often unsolicited, occasionally hurtful, has been totally off the mark for dealing with my kids. Who were there the first year of our pre- adoptive placement, happy and excited, but drifted away from the pain our household has gone through in the "adjustment" process. Searched in vain for any "Happy Mothers Day to you BOTH" cards for the terrific mom duos in our lives!
I'd also like to send cards to a number of great moms I know, whose kids probably won't share positive feelings with them on this day. There isn't a card that says "You are a terrific Mom, even though your child is aggressive to you &/or self & others, or afraid to trust/ be loved/let anyone close/acknowledge your existence."
Still looking for one to send big hugs to a mom whose kid can't be with her due to behavioral challenges, but is present in her heart with every single beat. There's no card for someone who emotionally became a mom in the moment of choosing to parent a certain child, but circumstances did not allow that child to become legally hers in the end, or who could not get the support needed to enable her to safely parent a child who feels compelled to play out his/her past hurts on anyone who tries to love him/her.
On my imaginary card rack, there would be gratitude cards for dads who are being both mother & father to their kids, and also some congratulatory cards for dads of kids who reject mothers: "Happy Mother's Day, Dad, you lucky dog!" complete with cartoon dogs wagging tails on springs.
Do I even think about sending cards to my kiddos' (bio) (former) (foster) (house) (etc) moms/mothers, or offering stamps to the kiddos in case they'd like to send something? There's a cold comfort in knowing whatever I do, it'll go over like a lead balloon on this sensitive, overhyped day. Can't get it right, but no way can I get it all that wrong, either- just keep on being here.
There's much for which to be thankful. I wouldn't trade my family, this whole experience, for anything. But it sure would help to have these feelings wrapped up in preprinted cards!
Big air hugs to all, have a great day wherever it takes you. Best wishes
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Sending out a greeting to all you great moms, present, past, struggling, blessed with healing in your homes and hearts, or waiting for it.
Today I was browsing through the racks of Mother's Day cards at the store, with other last-minute shoppers. They just didn't cover what I was looking for. There was ONE single card noted as "also appropriate for stepfamily". Nothing for adoption nor bereavement, nor any other circumstance of alternative, blended nor compounded family. This whole adoption experience has turned a simple Hallmark holiday into a sea of emotional undercurrents! I know I'm not alone in this, but standing at the card rack, it sure felt like it. (Was that me snorting aloud as I read that last flowery sentiment? And dear gods and little fishes, does this one actually think joking about "being adopted" is funny?)
I snatched up "Happy Mother's Day from the Dog", and "From the Cat" cards, both of which I'll sign with love, address to myself, and leave out in the morning as a preemptive move. In case no one here is yet strong enough to say Thanks for the parenting, or call me their Mom. But they will know I know they sometimes secretly think of me as a mother! And are secretly glad I love them to bits. Haha.
Why do all the cards brim with happiness? Isn't there a Sympathy section for Mother's Day somewhere, for those who have suffered loss of a mother, loss of a child, or the effects of their child's loss of a mother? I can't find a card to give my child, to say what I can't voice, something like, "I'm sorry your first mother isn't here for you, I wish you had the mothering you deserved as a little one, I'm sorry you had to learn and lose so many other moms along the way". Or, simply, "I know it's not a happy day for you, and I love you very much, and am proud to be your mom and that isn't intended as disrespect in any way to any previous mother who may be on your mind"
Had trouble finding one to give to relatives who are mothers by biology, and whose advice, often unsolicited, occasionally hurtful, has been totally off the mark for dealing with my kids. Who were there the first year of our pre- adoptive placement, happy and excited, but drifted away from the pain our household has gone through in the "adjustment" process. Searched in vain for any "Happy Mothers Day to you BOTH" cards for the terrific mom duos in our lives!
I'd also like to send cards to a number of great moms I know, whose kids probably won't share positive feelings with them on this day. There isn't a card that says "You are a terrific Mom, even though your child is aggressive to you &/or self & others, or afraid to trust/ be loved/let anyone close/acknowledge your existence."
Still looking for one to send big hugs to a mom whose kid can't be with her due to behavioral challenges, but is present in her heart with every single beat. There's no card for someone who emotionally became a mom in the moment of choosing to parent a certain child, but circumstances did not allow that child to become legally hers in the end, or who could not get the support needed to enable her to safely parent a child who feels compelled to play out his/her past hurts on anyone who tries to love him/her.
On my imaginary card rack, there would be gratitude cards for dads who are being both mother & father to their kids, and also some congratulatory cards for dads of kids who reject mothers: "Happy Mother's Day, Dad, you lucky dog!" complete with cartoon dogs wagging tails on springs.
Do I even think about sending cards to my kiddos' (bio) (former) (foster) (house) (etc) moms/mothers, or offering stamps to the kiddos in case they'd like to send something? There's a cold comfort in knowing whatever I do, it'll go over like a lead balloon on this sensitive, overhyped day. Can't get it right, but no way can I get it all that wrong, either- just keep on being here.
There's much for which to be thankful. I wouldn't trade my family, this whole experience, for anything. But it sure would help to have these feelings wrapped up in preprinted cards!
Big air hugs to all, have a great day wherever it takes you. Best wishes
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